my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
