the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
