It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
