I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
