Barsexuality is the new black.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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