just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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