Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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