Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
