filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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