the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
