I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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