Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
