you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
