my phone needs a breathalizer
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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