I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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