so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
