I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
