Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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