i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize