if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I will pee on everything he values.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
