What did I eat last night that was bloody?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
