so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
