Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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