I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
