yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I intend to get homeless drunk
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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