My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
