Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
