I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize