i think i have two assholes
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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