I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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