Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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