I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
