A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize