So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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