Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
