I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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