did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
