You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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