update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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