Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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