Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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