Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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