why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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