Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize