We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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