Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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