Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
