I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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