nut hugger
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
