I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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