So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
