I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
