oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
