I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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