We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
