Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize