hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
