His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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