I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
should my penis look like a turkey
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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