Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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